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Toasty Bones
Dear Brittany,Right now you should be thanking your lucky stars that I was there to warm your bones during the hour you stood in the freezing cold last night.Did you see your skinny friend standing...
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Wall Flower
Dear Brittany,You always thought being a wall flower at the dances was a negative thing.Of course that was when you were skinny.Now that you're fat you've learned the advantages.... All the chunky...
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Stairs
Dear Stairs,I hate you. I really, really do. You more than anyone make me feel fat every single time I go up you. I pant like I just ran a marathon while carrying only myself after reaching the top....
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Allergist
Dear Brittany,We apologize but we are unable to "give" you an allergy. It is simply not possible to make you allergic to fat. Even if this would solve all your problems.Love,Your local AllergistPS. Try...
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Energy Eater
Dear Brittany,If you're looking for your energy.. your butt ate it.Good luck getting it to give it up. Your butt really likes bouncing around all day. Or at least so I've been told by your muffin top....
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Cooking Class
Dear Brittany,We are sorry to inform you that you are no longer invited to participate in our cooking classes.It is not proper etiquette to eat all of the eclaires that were prepared for everyone.......
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Father Doesn't Know Best..
Dear Dad,As a child you pounded into my head over and over that if I could believe something, then I could achieve it. You yelled it at me from the stands when I was cheerleading, wrote it to me in...
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Brownie Coma
Dear Brittany (Mom), We would like to applaud you for being a good mom and making brownies with your children. Brownies are good... but you're not that tempted by them because you don't like chocolate....
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Garbage Disposal
Dear Husband and Children:Please take notice.This is my resignation as the family garbage disposal.I will no longer be eating your "left overs".Do not offer me the "last few bites" of your desserts...
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Skinny Cow
Dear Skinny Cow Icecream,I am really curious as to just how you got away with calling your ice cream "skinny" cow.You see, I tried that once. I decided it was mind over matter. If I thought I was...
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Motherhood
Dear Brittany,Remember when you said your kids would never have undone hair? Or wear mismatched clothes? You also said you'd never feed them icecream before noon, or think that cheese is an acceptable...
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Neighbors
Dear Neighbor Lady with the perfect hair,And perfect nails.. perfect waistline... perfect kids...I am writing this letter of apology for what you saw today. I was caught completely off guard when you...
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Shame Shame
Dear Brittany,It is not fair to hide the Easter Eggs so well that your children can't find them. Oh yes, I'm on to you. Hiding the eggs so well that they'll never be found just so you have an...
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Mission Aborted
URGENT:Dear Brittany,This just in: Husband is onto "I have a headache mission." Immediately abort and proceed to "My leg hurts mission."The source of information is rumored to be your husbands rolling...
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Self Esteem Beating
Dear Self Esteem,I am sorry that you took such a beating tonight. I've always been competitive, but sometimes I just need to learn to let it go.When my perfect co-worker told me she belonged to a...
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celeBRAtion
Dear Brittany,We appreciate the fact that you were excited. It's always an amazing thing when you start seeing your hard work pay off.But please... Please... PLEASE... never ever celebrate without your...
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Chunky Back
Dear Brittany,Thank you for your nice comments about my song "Sexy Back". I am so glad you liked it.At this time I am not able to record your song "Chunky Back".I did bring sexy back but I feel that...
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Mom Jeans
Dear Brittany,We hear your old jeans aren't working for you anymore. We also heard that skinny jeans didn't make the cut. So here we are... ready to apply for the job of being your jeans.Just think of...
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Safety Concerns
Dear Brittany,I am writing this letter to let you know that I will no longer be dining with you while you are on this diet.I am so sad to cancel our weekly Ladies Pie Night.. but I have some concerns...
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The NEW situps
Dear Friends,I am a genius. And you're about to discover why....Please do not think I am weird at our next Ladies Night Out. Yes, I will be laying on the floor during all of our hilariously funny...
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Eviction Notice
Dear Brittany,I've been reading your blog and have come to a very startling realization. You think I'm the one who took off never to be found again. For some reason you've gotten it into your head that...
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Common Sense
Dear Brittany,You needed a major dose of me today when you were muttering to yourself, "Where did you come from??!" at your daughter while she was throwing one of her monsterous fits.What a silly...
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Saggy??
Dear Breasts,I've come to a conclusion.You are not saggy.You just have bad posture.Love,BrittanyPS. Don't fret. 4 years of choir straightened my posture right up. I'm looking into choir for you. You're...
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Hunger-Mones
Dear Local "Romance" store,The pheromone sheet spray you sold me is seriously defective. Much to my husbands dismay, it has given me an appetite.... but not for the right thing.I mean sure.... it puts...
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Ab Workouts
Dear Chiropractor,I regret to inform you that I am firing you. I have decided that you really are a quack doctor and have no idea what you're talking about.You told me today that my ab muscles were...
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